Not sure how to feel…

th974Y7Q80.jpg

So I’ve just come to know of something, not sure how to feel.Not sure if i should feel angry or just laugh non-stop or just break down and cry non-stop,im really not sure guys.

I’m so confused,not sure where my life is heading to at this point.”MY LIFE” hey.

Have you ever felt pain so great,that you just cannot express yourself,like I literally don’t know what it is i should type out in this blog.Like im speechless.

im feeling all these emotions but I just can’t seem to put them in words.

It’s so damn frustrating!

This feeling is so overwhelming,I don’t know what to do with myself.

earlier this evening i just felt i should at least blog about something but now i cant seem to …

I cant even finish my sentence

I’m shattered,im broken

I think at this point i need encouragement,a few hopeful words and a big hug.

Thats all for now.

PEACE






Continue reading “Not sure how to feel…”

Know your worth

d1dc56598e7ccba491e9ae1379f91cd6.jpgMany a times we settle for less,either because we’re lonely or we feel we deserve to be treated a certain way,that it’s “the right way “

BUT IT’S NOT!

There are days when you feel so consumed in negative thoughts and you end up feeling so lonely,so lonely that you feel there’s a desperate need and you’ll place yourself in the lowest of hands just so that you could feel you belong and you end up getting way less than you actually deserve.

YOU NEED NOT BE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE,YOU CAN PICK UP YOURSELF WITHOUT THE HELP OF ANYONE AND THAT WILL BE THE PROUDEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.

IT FEELS SO DAMN GREAT!

♥YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY CHOICE YOU HAVE♥

THAT’S A WRAP FROM ME ,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE!!!!

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXXX

 

 

Dream on

Dream,_On_Dreamer_Hope_-_EP.jpg

whenever i’m in a bad place in my life,I’d always dream.It saves me from the actual living nightmare.It’s my way of coping.Its good to dream,keeps you sane in this insane world.I’d dream about good places I desire to be in the near future.I dream about the person i’d ike to become ,that is strong,fierce,brave and independent in every way possible and my goals i’d love to achieve and it truly becomes my happy place that moment,that moment when im just taken away and not a word of a lie!it actually gets me smiling,like I can feel that touch of pleasure,that proudest moment and excitement.Its all there,all in my head,all in my heart and all in my soul and it feels damn real and damn good!

and all of a sudden it gets you all hyped up,It revitalises your body and soul and you feel like a new person ready to face this mad world because you know someday you’ll reach THAT HAPPY PLACE.

but deep down when that feeling ends yet at the same time that dream lingers in your heart and soul,you know it will come again,and again and again until BOOM!!!

THE EXACT DREAM BECOMES A REALITY.

So don’t ever stop dreaming to get away from those bad moments/places in your life because it is what saves us from those nightmares

THAT’S A WRAP FROM ME,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE!!!

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXX

+

Some bonds are rare

40-blue-flowers.jpg

Have you ever just met someone and you guys just clicked effortlessly.Its as if you knew one another for an entire lifetime.Like its literally the best thing ever and the best thing is you guys never seem to get bored with one another,your conversations just roll out perfectly.Its as if you’ve met your twin,you have so much in common and your personalities are similiar.Its as if you met in a previous life,like a flash back.Its beyond amazing and the feeling is great.

Some bonds are beyond any selfishness any Question mark,beyond everything where there is only trust and loyalty,caring and loving nature.Where you just cant leave each other at any depth.YOU are physically apart,but mentally you are one part of each other.

what if there was a previous life before this present one where our souls lingered and we met different people and that’s why when we meet different people along the way,it’s as if you’ve known them your whole life.BUT if you are fortunate enough to have come across such a beautiful soul,never let them go.

THAT’S A WRAP FROM ME,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE!!

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXXX

MY MOTHER

maxresdefault.jpgNow you see this woman is my role model.Why do i say this?,well because I’ve never came across a stronger female like my mother..Shes strong spirited and she’s beyond Amazing in every way possible…I love her for everything she was and has become,she keeps me sane in this insane world.If I had a bad day or even need to vent or complain she’d be there.She knows me like no other and tolerates my annoying ass.My mother hasn’t had things easy.I’ve always been my mothers right hand from a very young age..she was pretty must dependent on me because i was the only one she could vent to,all i would do is listen to understand and be there for her in every way possible.It wasnt easy because it had a huge impact on me to..seeing my mother break down day in and day out..its a nightmare for every child.Who wants to see their mother in tears and drowned in sadness..i felt helpless,because i wish i could take her pain and sorrow but it wasnt possible.

So at the time my father was involved with another woman and i knew before my mother found out..i saw the signs[red flags]i knew this,but i was too afraid to open up about it to my mother because i didn’t want them to part ways.Every child wants a stable and happy home,you know,but carrying this was such a heavy burden.There’d be days when i would cry myself to sleep,there would be days i would want to run away,being in such an awkward position as a child is beyond crappy,i never wanted to open up because i knew my mother would hurt and all i wanted was for her to be happy.She eventually found out and it broke her..she had frequent mental break downs ..Seeing my mother like this broke me but i had to keep it together,i had to keep it together for my 2 younger siblings.I built up extreme anger for my father because he was the cause of all this pain,like how could he do this to my mother and his kids..My mother never deserved it,she was way to good to him and she being part of the reason his so successful today..like why would you throw down the one person that has gotten you up there.?..BUT he remains my father,I don’t hate him ..i just hate what he has done to my mother and it affected me so much as a child…

I was confused and hurt for so long,seeing my mother break down.

I made it my duty to give this lady a piece of my mind because i could no longer handle any of this.

my words to her was”im going to say this in the kindest of ways,although I don’t feel you deserve it but i definitely wont stoop to your level..how do you live with yourself knowing you broke down a family that was good,how do you feel that you took their happiness?..How do you sleep at night knowing there is someone out there that’s struggling to sleep because the pain is just to much.why dont you pray for someone instead of actually going out there and wrecking marriages[families].Please stay away from my family or else.

since then,she stayed away.

If you’re wondering if my parents are still together ,yes they are BUT things are not the same.TRUST is broken ..Now you’re probably asking yourselves ‘why doesnt she just leave?..well because she prefers to stay in because of her kids…she’d put herself in that position because of her kids,but she’s stronger now.Im so proud of her!,and she’s probably reading this right now which I know she will lol,Shes the light of my life,I live for her smile and laughter.Shes the most sweetest ,most beautiful soul you can find and you deserve the world mom..Your presence is what everyone needs to lighten up their life♥♥♥♥

o-MOM-IS-A-WARRIOR-570.jpgHonestly,im not 100% over that,when i speak about it I’d still break down..it was a Traumatizing ordeal for me as a young child,

but it’s slowly making me stronger.

THATS A WRAP FROM ME ,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXX

 

 

MY CHILDHOOD AND TEENAGE YEARS

th020DNOIYI havent had the easiest childhood,I wasnt as fortunate as most kids are,You know that privilege to actually live out your childhood.I was thrown into the deep end,To mature at a young age,that is at the age of  7 years.Im the eldest of 2 younger siblings.At the time my brother was born and i basically looked after him.Then a year after my baby sister was born..i ended up looking after/raising both of them and did my schooling aswell.At the time my parents were having problems,nothing was ever hidden,I was exposed to all,All the arguments,tension,pain,sorrow…I felt i was the only one that “kept it all together”i felt alone as a child because lets admit it ,no child should ever go or be exposed to that because it could leave long-term scars,that is built up anger,pain and child eventually becomes a rebellious teenager,i took it upon myself to look at life positively,i was forced to because i had 2 younger siblings to take care of.It wasnt easy.When i became a teenager i never really had that older sister or brother to speak to,like yes there were my parents but it’s not the same and at the time they were going through their own stuff[you know,those problems]at the age of 14 years when i was officially in high school,you know you feel all grown up and you’re exposed to a lot,that be good and bad.I realised how angry i was and how much pain i was carrying,i felt burdened,my heart-felt heavy and i needed ways to express myself,i then became quite rebellious .

BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ON HIGH SCHOOLnew-the-different-types-of-child-abuse-and-their-effect-on-children-4.jpg

So basically Assault is someone who forces himself on you without your verbal  consent.Sexual Assault is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that persons consent or coerce or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.It is a form of sexual violence which includes rape{forced vaginal,anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault}

UNfortunately ,i was a victim at the time of sexual assault.

There was a guy that liked me very much,but he belonged to a gang,a well-known gang.I Wasnt interested because i was the girl who was focused on her studies and obviously i wouldn’t want to be with a gangster,that is be his friend or even date him.

He asked me out a few times and i Said NO,but he wasnt used to being rejected because he was “THEE GUY” on school so yeah he took it quite hard.

So this day i never saw coming,it was the day i changed completely from being All brave and confident..To fearing for my life and i looked at myself differently..

It was an ordinary day in Summer,My Teacher sent me to the office to drop some papers,it was all quiet because everyone was in their classes..As i was walking to the office i passed a dark Alleyway,I was pulled in by some guys including the guy that liked me..HE pushed  me to the ground and told me that its my fault what his about to do to me,if i hadn’t been so stubborn this wouldn’t have happened.So obviously i feared for my life ,i was in tears..i begged him to stop and told him we could speak about this like civil human beings,but he wouldnt listen i tried but his friend kept my mouth shut with his hand.They all were all laughing at the time,they found it funny that i was about to be raped.So a few of his friends kept me down while the other kept my mouth shut,he removed my Tights and unbuttoned  and unzipped his pants he pulled down my panty,Then as he was about to penetrate me…I had shifted my mindset and told myself “Fatimah,this is happening.When this is all done,you’ll carry on as if nothing happened,you’ll be okay..you will go home and laugh and be the happy-go-lucky person you are always and you wont tell a soul”

but the janitor caught him just in time before he could penetrate me,i remember it as if it happened yesterday,every detail and every facial expression and every force on my body,i can still feel their touch.

After he got caught he assured me if I were to ever tell a soul he’ll hurt my parents and i had to keep it to myself.he was then suspended from school.After 2 years of carrying this major burden i had told my parents what happened..I never really went for counselling as i was ashamed but i prefered to get through it myself..and yes I’ve gotten there

This strengthened me and made me a stronger being,instead of looking at myself as a victim ,i look at myself as being victorious..It couldve broke me but i refused and chose for it to make me …It made me the person i am today.

SO IF THERES ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED SOMETHING SIMILIAR OR RECENTLY EXPERIENCED SUCH A HORRIBLE ORDEAL,I ASSURE YOU IT WILL BE OKAY..SPEAK TO SOMEONE,THAT BEING SOMEONE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH BECAUSE SUPPRESSING ALL THESE FEELINGS SUCH AS ANGER AND PAIN WILL MAKE YOU SICK  EVENTUALLY AND YOU’LL FOREVER FEEL BURDENED..AND REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

 

BUT THAT’S A WRAP FROM ME,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE..

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXXX

What is Depression?

depression-4Depression are deep wounds engraved in your heart,it’s when you see no purpose to this life,when you feel you have no purpose.Its when you yearn to feel true happiness ,you yearn to feel something but you trapped in your dark thoughts,your hearts frozen and there’s no warmth left.you crave for that warmth even if you must pretend but that to is an effort on its own,it’s when you just can’t face the world and everything it contains,so you just distance yourself from everything that you love even if it means pushing everyone away[but you really can’t help it].Feels as if you drowning in your own body but you just cant seem to save yourself,you crying for help but no one hears your cry and aching heart.Its when you  constantly looking at another and wishing you could have/feel their happiness just for a day.ITS AN ONGOING NIGHTMARE..you feel worthless, like you no good for anyone and keep on wishing yourself to disappear and you feel like everyone will be better off without you in their lives.you start questioning your existence,as to “Why do i exist?”..”why did i have to come into existence?”..”Things would’ve been better if i wasnt around”…It becomes intensely dark that you begin to scare yourself,you’re afraid of where you’re heading to but yet at the same time your heart is extremely numb and you can’t feel thing,you become to incorporated in that feeling that you become comfortable…but yet there’s very little light left[hope as we call it]trying to fight off this negative energy but it seems it travelled to far.

Have you ever felt this way?

Are you struggling to find yourself?

Do feel like you’re drowning in your own body and can’t seem save yourself?

THAT’S ALL FROM ME NOW,STAY TUNED FOR MORE…..

LOTS OF LOVE 

XXXXXXX