MY MOTHER

maxresdefault.jpgNow you see this woman is my role model.Why do i say this?,well because I’ve never came across a stronger female like my mother..Shes strong spirited and she’s beyond Amazing in every way possible…I love her for everything she was and has become,she keeps me sane in this insane world.If I had a bad day or even need to vent or complain she’d be there.She knows me like no other and tolerates my annoying ass.My mother hasn’t had things easy.I’ve always been my mothers right hand from a very young age..she was pretty must dependent on me because i was the only one she could vent to,all i would do is listen to understand and be there for her in every way possible.It wasnt easy because it had a huge impact on me to..seeing my mother break down day in and day out..its a nightmare for every child.Who wants to see their mother in tears and drowned in sadness..i felt helpless,because i wish i could take her pain and sorrow but it wasnt possible.

So at the time my father was involved with another woman and i knew before my mother found out..i saw the signs[red flags]i knew this,but i was too afraid to open up about it to my mother because i didn’t want them to part ways.Every child wants a stable and happy home,you know,but carrying this was such a heavy burden.There’d be days when i would cry myself to sleep,there would be days i would want to run away,being in such an awkward position as a child is beyond crappy,i never wanted to open up because i knew my mother would hurt and all i wanted was for her to be happy.She eventually found out and it broke her..she had frequent mental break downs ..Seeing my mother like this broke me but i had to keep it together,i had to keep it together for my 2 younger siblings.I built up extreme anger for my father because he was the cause of all this pain,like how could he do this to my mother and his kids..My mother never deserved it,she was way to good to him and she being part of the reason his so successful today..like why would you throw down the one person that has gotten you up there.?..BUT he remains my father,I don’t hate him ..i just hate what he has done to my mother and it affected me so much as a child…

I was confused and hurt for so long,seeing my mother break down.

I made it my duty to give this lady a piece of my mind because i could no longer handle any of this.

my words to her was”im going to say this in the kindest of ways,although I don’t feel you deserve it but i definitely wont stoop to your level..how do you live with yourself knowing you broke down a family that was good,how do you feel that you took their happiness?..How do you sleep at night knowing there is someone out there that’s struggling to sleep because the pain is just to much.why dont you pray for someone instead of actually going out there and wrecking marriages[families].Please stay away from my family or else.

since then,she stayed away.

If you’re wondering if my parents are still together ,yes they are BUT things are not the same.TRUST is broken ..Now you’re probably asking yourselves ‘why doesnt she just leave?..well because she prefers to stay in because of her kids…she’d put herself in that position because of her kids,but she’s stronger now.Im so proud of her!,and she’s probably reading this right now which I know she will lol,Shes the light of my life,I live for her smile and laughter.Shes the most sweetest ,most beautiful soul you can find and you deserve the world mom..Your presence is what everyone needs to lighten up their life♥♥♥♥

o-MOM-IS-A-WARRIOR-570.jpgHonestly,im not 100% over that,when i speak about it I’d still break down..it was a Traumatizing ordeal for me as a young child,

but it’s slowly making me stronger.

THATS A WRAP FROM ME ,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE!

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXX

 

 

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MY CHILDHOOD AND TEENAGE YEARS

th020DNOIYI havent had the easiest childhood,I wasnt as fortunate as most kids are,You know that privilege to actually live out your childhood.I was thrown into the deep end,To mature at a young age,that is at the age of  7 years.Im the eldest of 2 younger siblings.At the time my brother was born and i basically looked after him.Then a year after my baby sister was born..i ended up looking after/raising both of them and did my schooling aswell.At the time my parents were having problems,nothing was ever hidden,I was exposed to all,All the arguments,tension,pain,sorrow…I felt i was the only one that “kept it all together”i felt alone as a child because lets admit it ,no child should ever go or be exposed to that because it could leave long-term scars,that is built up anger,pain and child eventually becomes a rebellious teenager,i took it upon myself to look at life positively,i was forced to because i had 2 younger siblings to take care of.It wasnt easy.When i became a teenager i never really had that older sister or brother to speak to,like yes there were my parents but it’s not the same and at the time they were going through their own stuff[you know,those problems]at the age of 14 years when i was officially in high school,you know you feel all grown up and you’re exposed to a lot,that be good and bad.I realised how angry i was and how much pain i was carrying,i felt burdened,my heart-felt heavy and i needed ways to express myself,i then became quite rebellious .

BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ON HIGH SCHOOLnew-the-different-types-of-child-abuse-and-their-effect-on-children-4.jpg

So basically Assault is someone who forces himself on you without your verbal  consent.Sexual Assault is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that persons consent or coerce or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.It is a form of sexual violence which includes rape{forced vaginal,anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault}

UNfortunately ,i was a victim at the time of sexual assault.

There was a guy that liked me very much,but he belonged to a gang,a well-known gang.I Wasnt interested because i was the girl who was focused on her studies and obviously i wouldn’t want to be with a gangster,that is be his friend or even date him.

He asked me out a few times and i Said NO,but he wasnt used to being rejected because he was “THEE GUY” on school so yeah he took it quite hard.

So this day i never saw coming,it was the day i changed completely from being All brave and confident..To fearing for my life and i looked at myself differently..

It was an ordinary day in Summer,My Teacher sent me to the office to drop some papers,it was all quiet because everyone was in their classes..As i was walking to the office i passed a dark Alleyway,I was pulled in by some guys including the guy that liked me..HE pushed  me to the ground and told me that its my fault what his about to do to me,if i hadn’t been so stubborn this wouldn’t have happened.So obviously i feared for my life ,i was in tears..i begged him to stop and told him we could speak about this like civil human beings,but he wouldnt listen i tried but his friend kept my mouth shut with his hand.They all were all laughing at the time,they found it funny that i was about to be raped.So a few of his friends kept me down while the other kept my mouth shut,he removed my Tights and unbuttoned  and unzipped his pants he pulled down my panty,Then as he was about to penetrate me…I had shifted my mindset and told myself “Fatimah,this is happening.When this is all done,you’ll carry on as if nothing happened,you’ll be okay..you will go home and laugh and be the happy-go-lucky person you are always and you wont tell a soul”

but the janitor caught him just in time before he could penetrate me,i remember it as if it happened yesterday,every detail and every facial expression and every force on my body,i can still feel their touch.

After he got caught he assured me if I were to ever tell a soul he’ll hurt my parents and i had to keep it to myself.he was then suspended from school.After 2 years of carrying this major burden i had told my parents what happened..I never really went for counselling as i was ashamed but i prefered to get through it myself..and yes I’ve gotten there

This strengthened me and made me a stronger being,instead of looking at myself as a victim ,i look at myself as being victorious..It couldve broke me but i refused and chose for it to make me …It made me the person i am today.

SO IF THERES ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED SOMETHING SIMILIAR OR RECENTLY EXPERIENCED SUCH A HORRIBLE ORDEAL,I ASSURE YOU IT WILL BE OKAY..SPEAK TO SOMEONE,THAT BEING SOMEONE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH BECAUSE SUPPRESSING ALL THESE FEELINGS SUCH AS ANGER AND PAIN WILL MAKE YOU SICK  EVENTUALLY AND YOU’LL FOREVER FEEL BURDENED..AND REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

 

BUT THAT’S A WRAP FROM ME,PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR MORE..

LOTS OF LOVE

XXXXXX

What is Depression?

depression-4Depression are deep wounds engraved in your heart,it’s when you see no purpose to this life,when you feel you have no purpose.Its when you yearn to feel true happiness ,you yearn to feel something but you trapped in your dark thoughts,your hearts frozen and there’s no warmth left.you crave for that warmth even if you must pretend but that to is an effort on its own,it’s when you just can’t face the world and everything it contains,so you just distance yourself from everything that you love even if it means pushing everyone away[but you really can’t help it].Feels as if you drowning in your own body but you just cant seem to save yourself,you crying for help but no one hears your cry and aching heart.Its when you  constantly looking at another and wishing you could have/feel their happiness just for a day.ITS AN ONGOING NIGHTMARE..you feel worthless, like you no good for anyone and keep on wishing yourself to disappear and you feel like everyone will be better off without you in their lives.you start questioning your existence,as to “Why do i exist?”..”why did i have to come into existence?”..”Things would’ve been better if i wasnt around”…It becomes intensely dark that you begin to scare yourself,you’re afraid of where you’re heading to but yet at the same time your heart is extremely numb and you can’t feel thing,you become to incorporated in that feeling that you become comfortable…but yet there’s very little light left[hope as we call it]trying to fight off this negative energy but it seems it travelled to far.

Have you ever felt this way?

Are you struggling to find yourself?

Do feel like you’re drowning in your own body and can’t seem save yourself?

THAT’S ALL FROM ME NOW,STAY TUNED FOR MORE…..

LOTS OF LOVE 

XXXXXXX

 

 

So let me tell you more about myself:

okay, so first of all,I would want my followers to feel safe and comfortable when reading my blog and comfortable enough to ask me anything and I’ll answer to the best of my Ability In Shaa Allah[God wills].so  let’s get started….

CAREER CHOICES,STUDIES,WHAT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

So I have a passion for kids,I love them to bits,although i don’t have my own[one day in shaa Allah]god wills…i have a passion working with them..They’re the apple of my eye.

I’m currently studying ECD[Early childhood development] and Child Psychology,and im also doing my internship at a Primary School.

I Finished my ISLAMIC STUDIES 2 years back,I’m an Aalima and currently teaching islamic studies at an islamic school…so for those that are Non-muslim..An Aalima is a female scholar/Teacher in Islam,just as the scholars in christianity are called priests, Well,In Islam our scholars are known as Aalima[female scholar,Aalim[male scholar]

but my main Passion is Medicine,I was always fascinated with the fact that doctors save lives{but yet we all know ONLY Allah[god]is capable of giving life and taking it,docters are just a tool in Allah[god] work. I haven’t  told many but my dream is to become a neurologist ,im very much facinated with the brain as it is the most complicated organ in the human body..im intending to pursue that career soon[fingers crossed]

I am a very outgoing person,I have a bubbly personality and I am always smiling[its impossible for me NOT to smile LOL] and Don’t get me started on the laughter,I would laugh for anything  that is silly whether it is someone making a dry joke or whatever,You’ll have me no other way haha[im weird ,I know he he].I am a bit of ‘Drama Queen’ I would say reason being I would intensify and put emphasis on anything that happens to me that being for example;there being a small cut in my finger and I’d make as if i need to be rushed to the hospital and I’d be in so much pain that its unbearable.So now you can understand why i call myself a ‘Drama Queen’..I do this because I love attention and i am a bit of an actress so maybe I should  pursue a career in the Acting industry LOL,What do u say?..i always say One day is One day.

My hobbies are;cooking , baking ,swimming.I love cooking and baking up a storm whenever I get the time[ that is in my spare time]..I am a real Foodie lover and I’ve got a real sweet tooth,give me chocolates any day and you’ll be the light of my life and my best friend.I love swimming too,i go for a swim at least once every week,i mean it’s good exercise .

Then there are my mood swings[so like stay out of my way and you’ll be safe]. I usually only get them nearing that time of the month which sucks especially if some of us has the most unbearable menstrual pains but who are we to complain when Allah[God]blessed us with it in order to reproduce,there are some women out there that are unable to get their menstrual cycle and are yearning to have a miracle or a bundle of joy[ as they call it],but yet Allah[god] has a better plan for those who are unable to bear children for your tears and sadness does not go unnoticed,Always remember that Allah[god] wont give you more than what you can bear And he has a better&beautiful plan awaiting you,so just be patient and keep the faith and hope no matter how dark it may seem,there is always Nur [light]at the end of the tunnel.

I am naturally an over-emotional and sensitive person,so yes i am very much a softy LOL and I think I’m sweet but my surroundings thinks otherwise[like why can’t they see me what i see] stfff! that will be the day when the world ends hey but nevertheless i kept the best for last and we need a drumroll here……….I’M BEYOND STUBBORN,YES I AM! but im trying to get it out of me just a bit,at times im too much..But yes we all have those things we have to change within ourselves and improve on it and admitting it doesn’t make us less of a person and no need to feel ashamed by it but rather it makes you the greater person by admitting to what needs effort&work,we all human at the end of the day, that’s how we were created to have weaknesses within ourselves but to also better ourselves knowing  and accepting those weaknesses,there is always room for improvement ,yet Allah[God]blessed us with strengths aswell but not all of us has the same weaknesses and strengths ,we’re all unique and special in our own way.Beautiful-natures-seasons-30473472-500-334

So thats a Wrap beautiful people,always remember whatever you’re faced with right now is but just a challenge and test and you can overcome this,just dont lose the faith and hope because it is what keeps us together in one piece..and take it as ,Allah[god]is surely building you into something so special and unique by afflicting you with tests and challengers,so trust his plan.It is said that Allah[god] shows his love by not giving you flowers and chocolates but rather afflicting you with trials and tests,the more he loves you,the more trials and tests he afflicts you with..How beautiful is our Allah[god].

 

 

Introduction[keep on moving]

My name is Fatima and I am 22 years old. I was born in South Africa. I am from Cape Town[the mother city as they call it]. My hobbies are Swimming , netball , cooking and baking , yes ! there I’ve said it, I love being in the kitchen around food LOL .. Food keeps me happy , yes it does!.. Enough about my obsession with food haha .. one of the things I love doing too is taking long walks along the beach and being open to the fresh air, that beachy scent.. Helps me think straight especially when I am all stressed out, I love going there to let off steam[we all need it sometimes].I have never blogged before , this is literally my first time.. my blog will be quite personal , I want to share what I’ve been through not for attention of any sort but to help others that have been or currently going through the same or similar. I have never ever been open about my experiences before as I am a very private person but I am ready now and I do hope that whatever I am about to post will help others in their struggles and shed light where there are darkness. Last but not least , WHATEVER YOU’RE FACING RIGHT NOW IS BUT ONLY A CHALLENGE ,OBSTACLE OR TEST,YOU’LL BE OKAY..KEEP THE FAITH ND HOPE AND KEEP GOING!